Our Zombie Apocalypse Guide
The movies have presented us with a range of tropes and clichés regarding real life zombie invasions One of the more common ones is when lesser characters die because they find it hard to slay a former colleague, family member, or someone that they know. We dispense real-world advice, so I shall proceed on the assumption that most of you will have no qualms about topping your boss, mother-in-law, or some of your neighbours. This may be something that you secretly look forward to. On that note, we shall ignore the mental anguish stuff and stick with the practical tips. In any case, you will be the protagonist here, like Oprah says, “You too, can be the hero of your own life’s journey.”
MAKING SENSE OUT OF CHAOS
Any situation that results in a general breakdown of law and order will result in a range of similar problems. A trip to the corner store in any part of the country will become dicey, more so than in Peckham. Free movement, in general, will be a problem for you but you can plan ahead. You will need to have a stock of non-perishable food and access to drinkable water. A quick glance at the internet revealed that Aldi is the cheapest for canned goods, maximise your budget because image means nothing in an apocalypse.
For a sense of normality, you could buy a few cases of tinned peaches for pud pud, but remember to strike a balance between veggies, protein, and carbs. You will need your energy to survive some of the other inconveniences that your new world will throw at you. In your haste, do not over-look the other basics, like first aid kits, beer, and some hardtack. Reading material will be a lifesaver because zombie nightmares will not be exciting all of the time. Boredom can still be your enemy. Any veteran of Afghanistan can tell you this.
MUCH NEEDED SUPPLIES
Purchasing some water purification tablets from a camping store or pharmacy will be advisable. As time goes by, tap water may be limited or unavailable; supermarkets would have been pillaged, so you may need to make do with whatever you can find. One of the most important pieces of advice is to ignore the movies when it comes to your choice of weapon. It may look cool when a lead actor uses a chainsaw or axe to deal with the crazies, but this is no good in practice. This would mean engaging in close quarters combat, which is never smart. One does not fight like a street brawler, one fights like a gentleman. Meaning, one does not get one’s hands dirty. On the contrary, one dispatches one’s foes from a safe distance.
Getting your hands on legal projectile weapons may be difficult but there are plenty of Heath Robinson jobs that will be just as effective. Buy yourself a paintball gun and tune up the gas pressure. Shooting large metal ball bearings at decent velocity will pack a punch, certainly lethal enough.
In times of disaster, authorities tend to use football stadiums as a refuge, such as floods, hurricanes, and the like. This strikes me as inappropriate for a zombie scenario. If football stadiums have failed to keep out the Millwall firm, I doubt they would be effective against the undead. Take your cues from the military, bases are generally constructed so that enemies have to cross a lot of open space with no cover, in order to attack. This also allows you to see them coming way in advance.
If you must throw your lot in with other survivors, make sure that your safe space has taken this kind of thinking on board. Avoid places that have a history of failing to keep the crazies out, like bingo halls and CrossFit boxes. Avoidance is the key, commit to confrontation only when necessary, just like with fundraisers from Oxfam. Supposed experts are of the thinking that abandoned prisons would be best for a holdout, provided they have a water supply or water nearby. In general, prisons have high walls and are designed to keep people in and out. This may be an idea if you can handle the décor.
THE NEW NORMAL
Remember the three C’s. Cool, calm, and collected. Some people may not be able to handle the reality of a world gone crazy. Accepting the new normal will require mental fortitude and stoicism. You will be surrounded by uncertainty and brain-dead fools. But the wisest of us already know, that is not much different from the world we currently live in. Soldier on brothers. See the rest of the how to guides for men in this blog and be prepared for anything anytime, anywhere