Screw astrology, we’ve decided that we can get a better look at what your personality type is by what drink you order at the bar. It truly says so much about a person: what their personality is like, how much money they’ve got in the bank, and how much respect they have for their liver and internal organs. We’ll take a look at what popular drinks say about a person.
1. The cheapest beer possible.
These are the beers of choice of the Aldi and Lidl shoppers, the ones that have no money but still want to get pissed. Every off license will have a beer imported from Eastern Europe that nobody can pronounce, but can be bought by the crate load for under a tenner. God knows what’s inside them, but the fact that you’re not quite sure what inside the liquid your sculling down gives it an air of mystery. You won’t be able to leave the toilet the next morning but you saved 5 pounds and that’s all that counts.
2. The craft beer hipster
Other than shampooing your beard, the biggest part of your life is drinking beers and ales that nobody’s ever heard of. You look down your nose at people who drink Budweiser, and don’t realise that there’s an original Budweiser called Budweiser Budvar which tastes way, way better. You’ll spend six months drinking nothing but ‘Apocalypse Cow IPA’ until it becomes too mainstream and you move on to ‘Diabetic Swan IPA’, until an IPA is called ‘This Is Actually My Piss’ and you think it’s very ironic and provocative, but a part of you wonders is it genuinely piss that you’re drinking,
3. The boring premium beer.
You’ve decided that your favourite beer is Heineken or Carling and don’t want to venture much further than that. You’ve moved up in life so much that you’re not looking for the cheapest beer possible in Aldi, but are not bothered enough trying the dizzying amount of IPAs and craft ales that come and go every hour. You’re the Average Joe salt-of-the-Earth kinda guy and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
4. The Non-Alcoholic Drink
The world will look down on you for not partaking in the self destructive activity that is getting pissed. The barman doesn’t know what to do. ‘Just a coke? This is unforseen territory!’ The barflies next to you will look at you patronisingly despite having a beer belly that looks like he’s expecting triplets. You’re braver than us all.
5. The cocktail drinker
This person is quite well off and won’t drink anything that doesn’t have an umbrella sticking out of it. You like to watch the bartender juggle around around with multiple items and gaze at the drinkers in the queue waiting hours for their turn because making your drink needs to look like a scene from a Wham video. The barter has put in 90% cranberry juice, 1% vodka and 9% ice and you’ve just spent 15 quid on it.
6. The impatient vodka and coke drinker
These people will never learn to pace themselves. For them. drinking three pints of beer takes too long and you’d like to take the shortcut to Tipsy Land and go straight onto the vodka and cokes. This guy will be first on the dancefloor, the life and soul of the party, until 4 drinks later when he’s in the men’s room getting sick as a dog.
7. The Whiskey Drinker
You’ve seen those Jack Daniels ads saying ‘Back in Tennessee me and my grandpappy used to sip whiskey and watch the world go by’ and think there’s some sort of sophistication and class associated with whiskey drinking. There’s also a chance you’re such a massive Conor McGregror that you’ll buy literally anything with his name on it, regardless if it tastes like sewage.
8. The even less patient Jagerbomb Drinker
Let’s face it, you don’t really like your internal organs do you? Your drink of choice is Jagermeister (30% alcohol and basically shoe polish) mixed in with Red Bull. The alcohol from the Jagermeister slows down your heart rate, while the caffeine from the Red Bull speeds up your heart rate. You’ve basically done a ride on Alton Towers from doing two of these but you don’t care cos it’s 9:30 and you’re already steaming.
9. The hoity-toity wine drinker
You’re a sophisticated man, or you might also be in your 30’s and want to get rid of your beer belly. You like to ‘frequent’ your local wine bar while wearing a suit, thinking you’re in an episode of Frasier. You like to take ladies on dates and tell them about all of the books you’ve read, when secretly you’ve just looked up the summary of them on Wikipedia.
10. The ‘hilarious’ Gin O’Clock G&Ts guy
Yes, we heard you say it’s ‘gin o’clock’ and thought it was funny for about 5 seconds. You want to let everyone know how funny it is that you like gin and share hilarious memes and posts about being a gin drinker. Being a gin drinker means you’re so cool and sophisticated and of course you’re so witty with your ‘gin made me do it’ jokes. You’re not the only one that feels the need to vomit.